Game 37: Bible Adventures

Bible Adventures is an old, unlicensed NES game made by Wisdom Tree. Since it was unlicensed and not approved by Nintendo, they were able to do cool things like have a baby blue colored cartridge and even featured their own Wisdom Tree Seal of Quality on the box. The game is a popular target for "Worst Game of all Time," mostly thanks to Seanbaby, but honestly this game was not that bad. Definitely not even in the bottom 10%. Compare it to other officially licensed crap like Deadly Towers or Bebe's Kids and you actually have a decent game going. Anyways, Bible Adventures features three Bible stories: Baby Moses, David and Goliath, and Noah's Ark told through platformers. They all pretty much play the same, but the Baby Moses game is actually pretty bad.

Since today is the last day of March, the month is supposed to be end like a lamb, which basically means it will be a calm Spring day. Instead, we have a heavy snow warning and are expecting 6-8 inches of slushy snow. Ugh. I reviewed The Lion King at the beginning of the month when March was supposed to come in like a lion (it was a nice day) and Bible Adventures is one of the only games that features sheep in even a small role. The other game I considered was Sheep for the PC but decided to do the more well known Bible Adventures. Well, let's get to the review.

(minutes are in bold)
00 - I select Noah's Ark and the first hour of Bible Adventures begins. A Bible verse appears, with lots of ellipses skipping the unimportant parts. God flooded the world and told Noah to collect two of every creature.
01 - Well, the game has started! I'm playing as a bearded Noah, and I guess I have to collect animals. There's something in front of me... a cat? I'm not really sure.

02 - Nice! I have just hoisted the animal above my head! I don't know what to do with it though. I'm just running along, so far I've also seen a horse and a pig.

03 - Ah, it was a cow! I have collected the female cow and put it in the cave underneath the blinking arrow. A checklist appears detailing all the animals I need. Cows, horses, monkeys, snakes, pigs, and oxen. What the... a monkey just tossed some poop at me or something.
04 - I've stuffed that fecal monkey into the Ark now, so it's all good. Next the female ox.

05 - I pick up something that looks like a tablet and a Proverbs verse has appeared on screen.

06 - Noah is trying to pick up a pig but it's too slippery or something.

07 - I think I dropped a bale of hay on its head to knock it out. The female pig has been delivered.
09 - I was chasing after the other pig, but the horse ran by so I grabbed that! Wow, Noah must be buff to be lifting equine above his head. Plus he has a six foot vertical while carrying animals too. I have all the female animals except the snake. Oh, the male pig! Got it!

10 - For whatever reason, the male cow was chilling out on top of the Ark. How did it get up there?

11 - The male horse has a pink tail, not very manly. Just need the male monkey and ox, and both snakes. There are snakes climbing around the trees but I don't know how to get them. Woah, I can climb trees too!
12 - Haha, I grab the male monkey and he's holding a banana above his head, hilarious!

14 - I have reached the far right wall of the level. Still don't know where the male ox is or how to get the snakes. Birds keep pecking me when I'm climbing the trees. Shouldn't we be bringing the birds too?

16 - Oh, the male ox was just hanging out on the far left, but he head-butted me as I approached! Now for the last two snakes... I just went inside a cave. Not much in here though. I do pick up a tablet, and instead of getting a Bible verse I get a game hint. Pressing up will let me climb. Duh.
17 - Interesting, there's some different snakes over here. I deliver one to the Ark and all I have left is the male snake.

20 - Well, I have successfully delivered all the animals, now Noah is double checking his checklist as I watch all the animals run by. One by one.

21 - Just received a warning, "Get ready to climb those trees." Nah, think I'll try one of the other games. Time for Baby Moses! A long Bible verse appears, Pharaoh has ordered all little baby boys to be killed, but a Levite woman saved her boy by floating him down a river.
22 - The game starts off with me as the woman and a baby right in front of me. Must be Moses! I pick him up.

23 - Wow, this game has mini trampolines that launch me way up high. Good stuff.

24 - I got hit by a spider and the woman chucked Baby Moses into the river! Wasn't that the whole point though?

25 - I'm climbing around some pyramids, but this game is hard! There's soldiers all over hitting me with the spears and throwing stuff at me, and the big eyed spiders! Plus the game doesn't have any invincibility period after you get hit that I can tell, which makes things harder.
26 - Well, the woman and Moses make it to the end of the level. This new level is very purple.

28 - Wow, owned! The woman falls into the water and we die! Baby Moses is down for the count! I get the option to restart, continue, or choose a different game. I think I'll stick with this one for a bit. For kicks I start off the level again by throwing Moses in. Heh. He reappears though.

30 - Some bird just picked me up and lifted me off the ground, but I lost the baby on the way up. Ugh, these jumps are too long to be vaulted very easily.
32 - This freaking bird reminds me of the Sun from Super Mario Bros. 3. Annoying! Lame, I just fell in the water again.

34 - Yay, finally beat the second level. You know what's crazy about this game is that all the enemies interact with the stage just like you do. They jump off the trampolines, fall off ledges into the water, and other crazy, unexpected stuff.

35 - Well, the last level was purple, this one is an ugly yellow gold. The platforming elements have been upped though too. There's this soldier that is horribly placed so that he always knocks you and Baby Moses into the water.
37 - Okay, beat the third level. There are so many enemies on the screen at once, but the game is pretty much just a race to the far right of the level. I think I'm done with Baby Moses.

38 - Time for the game that I came here for: David and Goliath! Another long set of Bible verses, this time talking about David keeping his father's sheep, and when attacked by wild animals, he struck them and rescued the sheep! Sweet!

39 - Oh, right at the bottom it says my objective is to find four sheep and bring them to the corral. Right at the start of the level I have squirrels throwing nuts at me! HAHA! One of the squirrels just knocked out the other one!
40 - David found a sheep, but I'm not sure where to take it yet, guess I'll just keep heading to the right. Woah, a lion just leaped at me!

41 - The lion got knocked out by a squirrel nut so I just picked him up along with my lamb. A big giant, flashing arrow points me to the spot I have to drop the sheep.

43 - These lions are just ignoring me when I'm not hauling around sheep.

45 - A wandering squirrel has just knocked out: my sheep, a lion, and another squirrel. Not only that but my sheep is now in an unreachable position!
46 - Wake up you stupid sheep!

47 - Now there's a goat harassing my sheep. Well, that goat was annoying enough but David rescued his third of fourth sheep.

50 - With all four sheep collected now, I proceed to the next level, which I guess is just David carrying four more sheep to the corral.

51 - Sweet, this level is laid out pretty vertically, but it allowed me to quickly collect and deliver three sheep.
52 - Ugh, my fourth and final sheep is on a small platform with three other head-butting goats. Nothing for me to do but die.

55 - I beat the second sheep level now with David. Now bring on Goliath! Woah, instead of Goliath the game throws scorpions at me! Nasty!

56 - Haha, just delivered all four sheep at once, it was tough though because I was getting mauled by lions and stung by scorpions. The first enemy I see in the next level looks like an anteater.
59 - I have all four sheep but I can't make the last jump up to the corral! Ugh, I just lost two of my sheep and they flung off to who knows where.

60 - All right, I'm sick of this. I wanted to fight Goliath! But that's all the time there is for Bible Adventures for the NES.

Now for some scores out of 10.

Story: 3
The three stories in Bible Adventures are introduced quickly to the player by a screen long summary and then are quickly forgotten about. I have no problem with this as most people playing Bible Adventures are familiar enough with the Old Testament stories of Noah, Moses, and David. There are a few Bible verses scattered throughout the first hour but they don't seem too applicable to the game at hand.

Graphics and Sound: 5
Bible Adventures does not look that bad, but the sound is definitely below average. Graphics wise, the characters are drawn pretty good, but sometimes I had no idea what animal I was dealing with. The animations are good and some of them are actually pretty funny. There are quite a few unique backgrounds but they later just start palette-swapping them with really crazy colors. The music was nothing special and the sound effects could have used a lot of work. Animals should make animal sounds!

Gameplay: 6
The Baby Moses game was pretty awful, but the Noah's Ark and David and Goliath games were definitely tolerable. If anything, Bible Adventures is an absolutely great example of a game where all the characters on the screen are interacting with each other. The squirrels are tossing around nuts that knock out anything that touches them, including other enemies. This is something you don't even see very often these days. It was pretty hilarious watching the characters interact with each other. The game also had no problem placing lots of characters on the screen at once (well, if you don't consider the NES sprite flicker a problem), which made it a tough go sometimes.

Fun Factor: 5
I can't really complain about the fun I had while playing Bible Adventures. It's a simple platformer wrapped in a light religious package. The three games were similar and basic, but they did their job and though it was frustrating at times, I was still smiling. The Baby Moses game was frantic, while the other two were more balanced, though they all became tedious.

Minutes to Action: 1

Overall: 5
I'm giving Bible Adventure's first hour a very average 5. Compared to other NES games at the time, it wasn't that horrible. A lot of people seem to compare it to Super Mario Bros. 2 (U.S.) but besides picking stuff up above your head and running around with it, I don't really see the connections. Either way, Bible Adventures is one of those unique games in video game history and worth checking out if only just to say, "I played Bible Adventures."

Game 36: Mystery Dungeon: Shiren the Wanderer

Mystery Dungeon: Shiren the Wanderer is a new Nintendo DS adventure that is actually a port of a 1995 Super Nintendo game released only in Japan. Shiren's gameplay is based off the classic computer games Rogue and NetHack. This means randomly generated stages, turn-based gameplay, and harsh character death penalties. Games today are wussified to the point of being able to save anywhere and three hour long tutorials that wean you into the game, Mystery Dungeon is kind of a breath of fresh air. Even if it is a 13 year-old breath, it mixes up the portable scene a bit.

Not much left to say about Mystery Dungeon, I think the review and screenshots will explain the game pretty well.

(minutes are in bold)
00 - I select "Create a Travel Journal" and the first hour begins. I leave the character's name as Shiren (pronounced she-ren if you're wondering). A scroll unravels and the story begins... The Divine Bird of Legend, the Golden Condor lives in a golden city. A man named Shiren is looking for this city in memory of his friend.

01 - He has a pet weasel who talks to him. The pair are in Kobami Valley. In the distance we can see a tal, narrow mountain with a waterfall falling from it. Beautiful. The weasel introduces himself, his name is Koppa.
02 - Shiren is sleeping now, on the top screen is his dream. Looks like the mountain top and the golden condor are merging together.

03 - Still the opening cutscene as Shiren leaves the hut. Ah, the game is really starting now, the first level is called, "Road to the Hamlet." A tutorial begins. "Use A to defeat monsters and get to the stairs." Just A, huh? Oh, use B to move faster. Well that's easy enough.

04 - Woah, immediately after reading the dialogue I get attacked by a monster! I take him down with some timely presses of the A button. Is Shiren using a sword or what?

05 - The world is laid out like a grid, think walking around in Final Fantasy VI. What the heck? Holding B just kinda teleports Shiren across the screen. It's almost like I'm fast-forwarding the game... I'm going to be very leery of this B button.

06 - I fight another rabbit or something and get some experience for killing it. You regain HP by walking around, which is nice I suppose. This game seems very forced RPG though. Enemies run up and it's almost like a short turn-based battle between you and the baddie.

07 - I find a rice ball that I'm supposed to eat to reduce my hunger. Odd.

08 - Sweet, level 2! There's a convenient mini-map on the screen that shows me the areas I've uncovered and the positions of characters and enemies around me. Just killed a rabbit in one hit.

09 - I'm on the next level of the stage, oh, a robber is trying to kill me! He goes down in one hit. By the way, the rabbits are technically called Mamels.

10 - I find 133 Gitans on the ground. Gitans are the game's currency. Next I find and equip a wooden shield.

12 - Shiren just found a cudgel! Nice. And I also reach level 3.
13 - The game informs me that I may die of hunger if I don't eat rice balls. Ouch. My "fullness rating" is 53/100, guess I'll have a snack. That popped me up to 100/100!

16 - I'm just walking around now, killing bad guys, getting experience, and finding stairways. Nothing really to it all right now, pretty easy.

17 - Oh, I have successfully cleared the adventure. Interesting. Shiren is level 4 and my score is 70643. Next stage is Canyon Hamlet.

19 - I guess this is less of a stage and more of a town where I can talk to people and store items. I store a spare wooden shield in the warehouse.
21 - After talking to some villagers in the bar, I learn more about the game's gameplay. If you die in the game, you return to Canyon Hamlet and are reset to level 1! Woah, if you eat monster flesh you turn into that monster! Awesome! Reminds me of Final Fantasy Legend III.

23 - Interesting... every time you make a move, the monsters also move, but if you don't move, they won't move either. Good stuff to know, and pretty much confirms my suspicions of being a turn-based RPG.

26 - Well, Shiren has left the hamlet and is now on the Old Cedar Road. There are more villages every four areas.

27 - I'm in a forest now, and the gameplay seems a little deeper now that I have more information on the game.

28 - I encounter another wanderer in the forest, this guy shows off his +15 Katana and says he kept having it smithied on over and over again at the blacksmith. You think he would have called it something besides his +15 Katana.
30 - Woah, I just got whomped on by a boss I think! His name was Snaky and he was hitting me for 5-7 damage when I only have 19 total! Well, that's it for that adventure, my Shiren is returned to the hamlet's inn. I'm also back to level 1 and I don't have any items! Ouch.

32 - I go retrieve my wooden shield from the warehouse and equip it. I head right back out to the Old Cedar Road. I'm doing a lot less damage now without my trusty cudgel.

34 - What the... I just tripped over a rock, took damage, and dropped everything I had. Lame.

36 - This game is pretty easy when you don't have bosses beating down on you. Guess I just have to level up a bit before I challenge Snaky again.

38 - I entered an area thinking I was going to fight Snaky again, but turns out I'm at some mountain stream. And this chick is hitting on me! "I can make you feel special. Would you close your eyes for me?" What the... wonder how much this costs?
39 - I was blinded! All I can see is Shiren and the mini-map! This sucks.

40 - Phew, I can see again. Good thing there weren't any enemies.

41 - Oh man, speaking of enemies, Snaky just blitzed me! But this time I used a healing item and was able to take him out through attrition.

42 - Lame, Snaky wasn't a boss at all, just a normal enemy. I know this because I just fought another one! And then two at once! Unfair!
45 - No bad guys for a few minutes, but I'm starting to get hungry so I eat the rice ball I found at the beginning of my journey. It gives me 50 fullness points.

46 - I have reached Bamboo Village. Typical twangy Japanese music is playing.

47 - I enter a shop and there's crap laying all over the floor. One guy in the bar did say something about stealing... What, this ugly kid just said he was my brother. Odd.

49 - I buy a cudgel with my available funds.
50 - I'm back adventuring now, and the first thing that happens is a monster that steals 80% of my money and then runs off before I can kill him. Bastard. Another pickpocket has just stolen the last 20%. I'm sad.

52 - The good news is that I can beat Snaky's in only two hits now.

54 - I'm back in Bamboo Village, must have taken a wrong turn somewhere... Just found the blacksmith though, he can upgrade my weapon for 1000 Gitan. I only have 200 now thanks to those pickpockets.

55 - This village is really badly designed. There are a bunch of buildings and they are really spread apart so you have no idea where you're walking to next. There's just path after path and then a random building.

57 - A scene starts as I enter the bar, it's Pekeji, the brute who says he's my brother. I sympathize with him for a bit and then he wanders off. Weird.59 - Well, enough of that village, I'm now on Pegasus Ridge. Wow, there are fire-breathing Firepuffs up here. They sound fluffy but they look like mini dragons! One of them almost kills me.

60 - There's a lot more enemies on Pegasus Ridge and they're a lot tougher. Nothing is too tough for Shiren though as he hits level 7. But that's it for the first hour of Mystery Dungeon: Shiren the Wanderer.

Now for some scores out of 10.

Story: 4
There isn't much story in Mystery Dungeon beyond the opening cutscene, and there's not much meat there either. We have this wanderer named Shiren who is accompanied by a talking weasel. Shiren says his motivation for wandering and finding the golden city is because of his friend, who has died or something. My favorite aspect of this game's story is that there are also a lot of other wanderers/warriors hanging out in the levels, doing their thing. It reminds me of Final Fantasy X where there are a few other groups of people working parallel to you on the same quest.

Graphics and Sound: 5
An important part to consider when developing or porting a Nintendo DS game is effective use of both screens. Mystery Dungeon does not use the top screen well at all, it's just an overall map that is useless. I would rather see my current stats or maybe place the mini-map up there instead of overlaying it on the bottom screen. The graphics are also pretty simplistic, I don't know how they compare to the original Super Famicon version but the grid-based gameplay and a relatively confined playing area don't hold this game back as much as you would think.

The sound in Shiren the Wanderer is nothing special. The music is generic Japanese twangs and I honestly can't even remember if there are sound effects when fighting. Nothing stands out.

Gameplay: 7
Undoubted the most unique aspect of Mystery Dungeon is its wannabe-hardcore gameplay. All maps are randomly generated, though in the first hour they're all still pretty simplistic. But in this game, if you die, that's it, you're done. You restart at level one and are returned to the original village, losing all items you were carrying. I'm guessing this makes Mystery Dungeon all about slowly powering up your weapons and armor, while carefully making sure you don't lose them. I'm not sure how much I like the sound of that, but in its first hour, it's a pretty typical Zelda-style game with turn-based elements. All these combinations makes this game unique, but definitely not for everyone.

Fun Factor: 8
I actually had a pretty good time playing the first hour of Shiren the Wanderer. Once I realized that this game is turn-based it added some new layers of strategy that made me rethink what I was planning when enemies were around. There are some really annoying parts though like "running" which I'm pretty sure is literally just the game fast-forwarding itself. Worst of all, the areas that are NOT randomly generated are horribly designed. Basically every town is way too sprawled out and just plain obnoxious to navigate. Fighting is much more fun than running errands.

Minutes to Action: 4

Overall: 6
Mystery Dungeon: Shiren the Wanderer's first hour is just a slightly above average port of an old game and even older gameplay. The game runs with a unique concept that most console only gamers will never have experienced, and I believe most will be frustrated. The first hour though is nothing special. If you want to try something new, then this game seems like a really good portable experience for the patient gamer. If you're impatient or annoyed by strict death rules, then definitely pass on Shiren. By the way, what kind of lame name is Mystery Dungeon anyway? It sounds as lame Final Fantasy would now if the first game was just coming out.

The Japanese cover for Mystery Dungeon is so much better than the English release.

Game 35: Homeworld

Homeworld is a 3D real-time strategy game released in 1999 on the PC, Mac, and Linux. It managed to garner a few Game of the Year awards in a pretty tough year of gaming which included Unreal Tournament, Alpha Centauri, Final Fantasy VIII, and the release of the Dreamcast, which of course means Soul Calibur. It wasn't an extremely strong year for the console world, so PC games did very well and Homeworld arrived at just the right time. The game is renowned for its engrossing storyline and cinematic graphical style. Not to mention a great implementation of real-time strategy in 3D space.

I usually take screenshots with Fraps for PC games but for whatever reason it didn't work for Homeworld. ZScreen to the rescue! This is my first time using the open source program and honestly it did a great job grabbing screens of this beautiful space game. Took me a while to find a working solution but ZScreen did the job just fine and worked for me immediately. Now let's get to the first hour review of Homeworld.

(minutes are in bold)
00 - Being entirely new to the 3D real-time strategy, I decide to try out the training first, and thus the first hour of Homeworld begins. A computerized female voice starts talking and introduces me to the controls. I'm looking at a funny looking orange spaceship. The right mouse button moves the camera. I swing it around for a bit.
01 - The game looks good but now that I know how to zoom in, Homeworld shows off an ugly side of blocky textures and polygons. Ah well. This ain't Sins of a Solar Empire.

02 - First up is building ships. Moving the mouse to the bottom of the screen reveals a hidden popup menu with some buttons to check out.

03 - Resources are measured in RU. Resource units I guess. Makes more sense than Gold.
05 - Following the game's instructions I build a resource ship, a research ship, and ten scouts. As I leave the build screen I can see my first scouts heading out from the mothership.

07 - The game has me zooming in and out on my various ships. Dragging multiple units in 3D is currently as easy as doing it in 2D. But of course, nothing hectic has happened yet.

08 - I instruct my resource collector to go Harvest, and the ship heads off with the camera following it to a nearby asteroid. Things are nice and smooth.
10 - I learn how to research next by using my research ship. This is all pretty typical RTS stuff, just done in space, and with spaceships.

12 - Movement is another story though. Now that I have three planes of space to work with, I have to use the Shift key to direct my ships along the vertical axis. It seems relatively intuitive though.

14 - Next up I bring up the Sensor Manager with the spacebar. The Sensor Manager is essentially a super zoomed out view of my current area. I can see my ships, and a red blinking dot signifying the enemy. Brown dots are harvesting points for resources.
17 - Wow, this is pretty cool stuff. I learn how to put my scouts into different formations. Watching them zoom around in 3D and real-time is pretty awesome. I send my scouts off to the enemy using the Sensor Manager. I bring the camera behind their Claw Formation.

20 - Nice, my first combat experience! My ships approach the stationary enemy and with a few clicks, start bombarding them with their little missiles!

22 - I give my scouts the order to dock back at the mothership, but the computer says that if I stick around, I might get some more combat. Why not?
29 - Well, seven minutes later and I'm still fighting my first battle! I don't know if this goes on forever so I think I'll get into the main game. Honestly, this has been pretty tough. It's hard to keep all the scouts grouped together and they don't make for very good fighters. The frigate I built was tough though and was able to take and deal a lot of damage. It is hard to keep everything on screen though when you have so much control.

30 - Now that training is done, I select Single Player and the game begins. Immediately it asks me to pick my fleet, either Kushan or Taiidan. I have no idea what these mean but both of them sound Japanese. Anyways, I select the default Kushan. I can customize the colors of the ships but that's a lot of work and not something I have time for. Clicking Start! sends me to a loading screen, and then the opening cutscene.

31 - Sweet, I really like this art style. It's almost exactly like Hotel Dusk, a point and click adventure for the Nintendo DS. All the objects are hand drawn with pencils and the animations aren't smooth but that's the point and they just look great. Almost like I'm looking over the artist's shoulder as he sketches out the scenes for the first time.
32 - A man's voice is describing the current situation. Humans have discovered an ancient starship on a nearby planet and on the ship was a galactic map etched on a stone. The map points the clans across the inner rim to another planet, which the broken clans can only determine to be their origin, home, Hiigara.

33 - The voice continues saying the battling clans have united together and found a common goal of returning to their home planet. They begin engineering a space fleet and their greatest mind directly into the ships. Man, I love this art style, it's really detailed, a lot more detailed than Hotel Dusk which I mentioned.

34 - The fleet leaves their current home planet and we switch graphical styles to Homeworld's in-game engine and we get a great look at a what must be its mothership. It's a tall command ship and there are a few other smaller ships buzzing around it. A computerized female voice starts reporting diagnostics.
35 - This scene is directed beautifully. We follow a small ship swing around the mothership and dock. There are closeups of the thrusters and antennas, great stuff. This is one of those games though that could really use some bump and normal mapping to make the textures jump out a bit more. Everything looks a bit polygonal and flat.

36 - A small group of ships breaks away from the mothership and starts leading the way. The game seamlessly switches to give me control.

37 - Already this is quite different than training. The game gives me some objectives but obviously no tips. I begin building a research ship, begin harvesting, and need to take out some drones.
39 - I'm told to begin researching a fighter chassis so I give my research ship the instructions. The game keeps going widescreen to give me objectives and show me things. It's a cool, cinematic effect that typically works on me. The voiceovers are a little monotone but that's the military for you.

41 - Next up I give the order for my scouts to use aggressive tactics and take out some more drones.

42 - My next objective is to build a Salvage Corvette and capture a drone. Interesting.
43 - Fighter chassis research is done so now I can build Interceptors.

45 - Ha, cool! The salvage corvette I just built just cruises up to some space junk and magnetically grabs it.

47 - The camera follows the corvette dragging the junk back to the mothership, and then the game tells me it is ready to go into hyperspace! I can launch whenever I'm ready... but I don't know how to go!
49 - I instruct all my ships to dock with the mothership, maybe they all have to be in the house before we pack up and move?

50 - Oh, I was right, you do have to dock all your ships but you also have to enter the Session Manager and click the Hyperspace button. Obvious. The ships begin auto-docking.

51 - WOAH! Hyperspace is cool! Instead of zooming ahead a 2D blue plane begins crossing across the ships slicing them in half almost. They've jumped!
52 - A short, hand drawn cutscene telling me that my mothership has jumped to meet with Khar-Selim, another ship that has been going at normal, sub-light speeds for the last 10 years! This all seems very Ender's Game like. All we need is an ansible.

53 - All my ships undock and I get a message that the Quantum Wave Effect has dissipated! Phew! Not all good news though, we have mis-jumped and have to locate the Khar-Selim.

55 - I send a scout to the location of the beacon. Hopefully we get lucky.
56 - Oh snaps! A cutscene begins as we approach the beacon. The camera pans over what's left of the Khar-Selim. Not good.

57 - Also not good is a fleet of ships heading towards the mothership! The female computer (the super plugged-in engineer mind) seems surprised that they're attacking! I get control right back. Time to fight back!

59 - The enemy fighters are going down pretty easily, but they also have some larger ships that are attacking my mothership and salvage corvette. I try to concentrate on one ship at a time though.
60 - Nice! My seven fighters were able to take out the attacking force while suffering four casualties. But who were these guys? I guess I'll never know since the first hour of Homeworld is up.

Now for some scores out of 10.
Story: 6
Well, I am kind of into the background of Homeworld, but there just seems to be things missing. The story begins with a civilization finding out where their origins lie, so they build a fleet to cross the galaxy and return home. But what's the motivation behind doing this? Was it an excuse to stop the clans from fighting and unite together? Is there an important reason to find home besides just going there? Think Battlestar Galactica where the surviving fleet has to find Earth, but they're being chased and hunted by the Cylons. I can see why they would want to find their Eden but I think they could have used a little more motivation. Plus when I get attacked during the second mission, I have no idea why it's happening. I'm sure I eventually find out, but that's the problem of only playing the first hour.

Graphics and Sound: 9
There have been quite a few technological leaps since Homeworld was released, probably the most notable is bump mapping, something that would have really enhanced the look of the textures on the ships. Without it, the ships appear very flat and fake. But of course, this wasn't readily available at the time on home PCs and the game still looks really good. It helps when you don't have to render detailed environments and can instead focus on the spaceships, and Homeworld takes huge advantage of this. The ships are textured well and you can zoom in really close, something Sins of a Solar Empire, a recently released 3D space real-time strategy, heavily advertised.

The sound that I heard from Homeworld was a little weaker than I expected. The voice acting felt flat but the writing behind it was good. There was some decent chatter between ships that helped clue me in on things. The music had a great ambient sound to it that didn't try to stand out and the sound effects went against all rules of space. But I prefer lasers making sound and small sounding explosions as opposed to nothing. It can really enhance the gameplay.

Gameplay: 8
Well, the training in Homeworld was totally necessary and I'm very glad I did it. The controls are kind of complex as you have keyboard commands, right click menus, and the bottom pop-up menu. Plus you need to have good command over the control, shift, and alt combos. It's the game's biggest hurdle but nothing experienced PC gamers will have problems with. The 3D space adds a new dimension (pun) to real-time strategy games and I think it works well. It's a little tough to manage all your ships at once and I wish there was a way to highlight them better against the blackness of space. It almost seems like things would work better by turning off all the background stars so you can just focus on the battle, but that would take away from the game's graphical appeal. Anyways, this game definitely has a long learning curve and the first hour of Homeworld does a great job starting you off on it.

Fun Factor: 8
Best part of playing Homeworld was watching your ships fly around in formation and attack other ships. It's truly an excellent cinematic experience that you have total control over. The game's pacing is really good which is impressive for a space-based game. The universe is large but it doesn't take too long to get from point A to point B. Once I got to the main game and was being assigned objectives I was really having some fun. There seems to be a great story driving the levels, I just wish I had more time to experience it. But the training is pretty much necessary for new players to the game so there's only about half an hour to get into it.

Minutes to Action: 20

Overall: 8
Don't take the 20 minutes to action too out of context, that was my first combat experience in the game but there was still plenty of things going on before that. Anyways, Homeworld's first hour is really good. I was impressed by its graphical engine and its flexible camera that simply works out of the box. I wish the story had gone a little deeper in the first hour, but the groundwork is there for a good one. As far as the gameplay goes, there's a tough learning curve but I believe there are great rewards hiding within that too. Homeworld is a great evolution from a game like Star Control II, though this game is much more story-driven. I love space operas, and I've added this one to my long list of games to play.

Art by Colin Clark - used with permission.

Game 34: The Haunting Starring Polterguy

The Haunting Starring Polterguy is a 1993 Sega Genesis game all about scaring a rich family out of their snazzy home any way possible. This is a pretty obscure game and the only way I know anything about it is from my deep past where I used to read any video game magazine I could get my hands on. One of them was Game Players, and in one of those issues lies a review for The Haunting. I have no idea what score it got but it stuck in my mind as "this game sounds cool and someday I would like to play it." Well, that someday has finally arrived 15 years later, and it's pretty much as cool as I vaguely remembered wanting it to be.

I really don't know anything else about this game, except that it is probably the goriest 16-bit game I have ever played. There are severed heads, tons of blood, and lots of other crazy stuff that kept surprising me. Just check out the screenshots below and you'll see what I'm talking about. On that note, let's get right into the review.

(minutes are in bold)
00 - I press the Start button and the first hour begins. A cutscene begins showing off a family moving into their "snazzy new home." Whoever is narrating (text at top) has a surprise for them!
01 - Now we're looking inside their house from a Sims-style isometric view. The wall of the house if cutout to show the inside. Polterguy introduces himself as the "green dude hangin' on the left." The woman in the room with me is Flo Sardini. I guess she can't she the green zombie guy in the room.

02 - Haha, Polterguy looks like he's on rollerskates the way he's moving his legs while just standing there, and he just did a few laps around Flo to boot. Polterguy moves around the room and shows me "fright 'ems" which he uses the scare the family. Fright 'ems show up as glowing orbs on nearly every object he approaches. For the record, this is still the intro, I'm not controlling anything.

04 - Pressing the A button makes Polterguy dive into a fright 'em and A again has him jump out, this triggers the object. Haha, the demo has him jumping in and out of objects making them quiver, Flo walks over and gets scared as they transform into something crazy!
05 - These character animations are really good, well detailed and they seem quite varied. Flo runs out of the room screaming and some green goop appears on the floor. Polterguy has to collect that for whatever reason.

06 - Now it's a scene of the Sardini family eating, the kids are throwing food at each other. Awesome! The chandelier just fell from the ceiling freaking everyone out!

07 - I now have control over Polterguy, sweet. I'm in the family room and my first target is the father. I jump in and out of the dartboard. As he approaches it, the board turns into a blood dripping eyeball! Nasty! Next the armchair starts licking him. Vito Sardini's fear level begins to rise.
09 - Wow, this game is pretty creative. I turn Polterguy into a small rocking chair and start chasing Vito around the room! His fear level is so high he just runs right out of there!

10 - There's a green bar that is continually depleted, I guess I have to scare the family and collect the ecto goo balls to keep it up. The ecto is only released after the family member runs from the room. Pressing the Start button brings up a map of the house and shows where the family members are.

12 - Next up I find the son, Tony and begin freaking him out. He has a Ninja poster on his wall and that's my first object of manipulation. Oh man, this kid screams like a little girl! He also has quite a few things to take over in this room such as a model plane and a skull in his drawer. They certainly freak him out good. Though the plane crashed and I think Polterguy lost a bit of health.
14 - Tony runs out of his bedroom in horror and I collect the ecto. On the map it looks like I'll be harassing the daughter, Mimi next.

15 - Well, after a minute of torturing her with oversized ballerina dolls and moving teddy bears, Polterguy's health runs out and I'm in a brand new place. It's somewhere underground, poltergeist hell maybe? Guess it is called the Dungeon. Anyways, I have to collect ecto drops to continue. They're just dripping from the ceiling.

17 - Geez, I have to collect every drop in linear order or else an arrow will tell me to go back, and there are a lot of drops and a lot of things that want to kill me down here. Hairy arms trying to grab me from the walls, bursts of steam from the ground, and bats that escape from coffins. Nothing too horrifying, not like in the house...
19 - After collecting all the drops, Polterguy starts breakdancing. Hilarious. I'm back in Mimi's room now with a full health bar. Well, she just ran out. I'm not really sure what my end goal is? To scare everyone in the house at the same time? Not really sure. Time for some Flo action.

20 - I find the mom in the kitchen, should have some fun in here... Well, I just chased her out of there in record time. Polterguy jumped in the freezer and for whatever reason turned into a black cat and chased her from the room. I follow her into the lounge.

22 - Woah! Mama Flo got so scared her dress fell down revealing her 16-bit black panties. That was a frightening moment for me! There seem to be three colors of orbs that designate different types of objects. Blue orbs attract the person over and scare them when they approach, orange orbs don't attract the person so you have to time it when they're nearby, and green orbs are flying objects that you can chase them around the room with.
24 - Flo ran out and checking the map, Vito looks seriously not scared right now, time for some more action with him.

25 - Just scared Vito with some orange orb swamp monster, good timing by the Polterguy! Vito runs out of the room in supreme horror. Tony is nearby and looking calm...

27 - After frightening Tony kind of lamely, he runs out of the front door and has disappeared from the map! Is he really gone?
28 - I scare Mimi in the living room and have barely half of my life left. I think I'll keep chasing Mimi and maybe end up banishing her from the house?

31 - Awesome, after chasing Mimi around through a bunch of rooms, I have kicked her out of the house! But now I'm getting chased by a floating green head, and it hurts me when it touches me (that didn't sound that good...).

32 - Mama Flor was back in the lounge and it was time to banish her for good! A few timely orange orbs has me sending her out the back door in a jiffy. Only Vito is left, but my green ecto bar is nearly out.
34 - Vito is in the kitchen and there was a pretty gruesome scene where I inhabited a chopping block and a severed head appeared dripping with blood! This caused Vito to literally jump out of his clothing.

35 - Oh man, I think I scared Vito enough to get him out of the room, but I ran out of life and am back in the dungeon. Now I'm getting a bunch of skulls chucked at me! But a moment later I'm break dancing with the best of them.

37 - Back in action with full life and Vito the only one left in the house. Crap, the loser just ran back into the kitchen where he was before. I also forgot to grab the ecto balls in the room I scared him in, whoops.
39 - Ah, there goes Vito out the back door and Polterguy does one last break dance for the heck of it. Polterguy taunts the family as they run out saying "I'm right behind your sorry butts!"

40 - Some rock riffs start playing and we see some art of Polterguy proclaiming his victory over those slimeballs. Haha, he just said that they dissed him. That's classic.

41 - Nice, another cutscene plays showing the family moving into their new home! Awesome! But I'm back in the underground world to collect ecto, not so awesome.
43 - The Dungeon is a lot harder this time, I get beat up quite a bit, but I don't die. Never! Well, now that that's over with, looks like I'm in the Sardini's brand new house now. The layout looks different but it's still all the same concept. Ah, Mimi is in the same room as me! Haha! She just wet herself!

45 - What the... looks like a dog just walked through the room. Dogs usually detect ghosts, don't they? Well, he made it through harmlessly.

47 - I'm going to continue hounding Mimi, her snide looks annoy me. I create a Grim Reaper apparition in the doorway, that freaks her out to the max, but then the dog wanders in and her fear goes back down to high. Stupid mutt. Okay, she keeps running between the same rooms, so I'm going to target Vito now.
49 - Well, this game is getting kind of monotonous now. Scaring people over and over is interesting, but the animations are certainly repeating themselves. Though Vito did just lose his pants, good stuff.

50 - Speaking of monotony, I just lost all of my ecto bar and I'm back in the Dungeon.

52 - Geez, I have basically no health left down here. If I end up down here again I'm going to die for sure.

53 - That green head and the dog are chasing me now. But I'm chasing Vito... Ooh, he's in the bathroom now, I've never scared anyone in here.
55 - Now Vito is just running between the same rooms over and over. Lame.

57 - Tony gets so frightened he does the classic Exorcist head spin and careens out of his bedroom. Tony has left the building!

59 - Oh crap, my health bar is gone and I'm sent down under...

60 - It doesn't take long for me to lose what's left of my life. Polterguy wonders why the dungeon was trying to kill me when he was just trying to get some ecto, but that's that and the credits start to roll. The Haunting's first hour is complete. My high score was 32,271.

Now for some scores out of 10.
Story: 2
Okay, what bothers me about The Haunting is that we have Polterguy, a poltergeist who is for whatever reason ticked off at this family and wants to cause them as much trouble as possible. The Sardini family may be rich but there doesn't appear to be any motive behind Polterguy's antics. Once again, maybe this is the case of the mysterious instruction manual story similar to Turok, but maybe a short flashback showing the family somehow causing the death of Polterguy would have helped. Also, what is the Dungeon and why does Polterguy get sent there? And what are these floating green heads doing chasing me? Man, there sure are a lot of questions!

Graphics and Sound: 8
I saw a few screenshots for this game and wasn't really impressed, but I was super impressed by this game after seeing it in action. The isometric view works perfectly for the gameplay and the sprite animations were simply great. There are only five characters but there is a lot of variety in terms of movement, reactions, and responses. All the objects morph smoothly into their evil counterpart and I was constantly smiling at all the surprises this game had for me. There is so much original content in The Haunting, great stuff. As for the sound, none of the music stood out but the sound effects were pretty good. The family's screams were quite memorable and the objects sounded real. I feel like the game could have used some voice acting though, plenty of Super Nintendo games did at the time but I'm not familiar enough with Genesis games to know if it was really possible for them.

Gameplay: 7
What The Haunting has going for it is some great original gameplay that I've really never seen anywhere else. Jumping into objects to make them come alive and scare people is simply awesome. I'm trying to think of games that have ever even come close to what The Haunting does and the only one that comes to mind is Mister Mosquito, a game where you play as a mosquito terrorizing a family in their house by sucking their blood. Anyways, like I mentioned near the beginning, Polterguy controls like he's on rollerskates and that just doesn't feel right. Picking up ecto goo is inconsistent and the whole Dungeon sequence just plain sucks. It totally removes you from the real fun and I'm not sure what the point of that was.

Fun Factor: 8
The Haunting is simply a fun game for the one hour I played it, though I honestly don't think the fun would last much longer. This is a problem for these arcadey games, the first hour is typically pretty fun but sessions that last longer than that can grow to be really repetitive. I was starting to feel that repetitiveness kick in at around the 50 minute mark and was ready for the hour to end. But what I played was original and very fun. There are a ton of objects to mess around with in the game and the family's reactions are classic. Great stuff.

Minutes to Action: 7

Overall: 8
This game really surprised me, I was thinking going in that this would be another bomb like the last few weeks, but The Haunting's first hour gave me a solid game. There's a short tutorial at the beginning that pretty much told me everything I needed to know, though an explanation on the orb colors would have been helpful. The Dungeon sequence was pretty bad and seemingly unnecessary, and pretty much the only blemish on this game. This is a unique and quirky experience that I would recommend checking out, even if it's just for an hour.

Polterguy is green but his nose is quite Caucasian.

Game 33: The Lion King

The Lion King was the video game released to accompany the Disney movie of the same name. Games based on movies were nothing new in 1994, especially Disney tie-ins, but this is actually my first movie game review. It was released on literally every platform available at the time, including three Nintendo (NES, SNES, and Game Boy) systems and three Sega (Master System, Genesis, and Game Gear) systems, undoubtedly a feat unequaled by any other game.

Really the only reason I'm reviewing The Lion King is because of the saying: "March comes in like a lion, out like a lamb." If you're unfamiliar with the adage, it basically means March will open up with bad weather and end calmly with Spring fast approaching. Here in the upper-Midwest though, lots of snow typically begins and ends the month. Where's our lamb? Back to the review though, here's March roaring in, now I have four weeks to find a game about lambs... could be tough. Anyways, let's get right into the first hour of The Lion King (Super Nintendo version).

(minutes are in bold)
00 - I choose Start and The Lion King begins. That meerkat Timon appears and says "It starts." Wow, right into the game! Simba moves pretty quick, he's an aggressive little cat. All I can do though is jump and roar, no slashing... yet.
01 - So I'm just jumping around some rocks right now, Simba can hang off ledges and roar to flip porcupines. Then I can jump on their bare belly to kill them.

02 - Woah, I just roared and exploded a dung beetle! I'm down to half my life already!

03 - I jump on a beetle this time and he flies around for a moment and then explodes. Almost dead... until I find a yellow beetle health item.
04 - Just grabbed a red beetle which extends my life a bit, nice. Then I find a symbol that kind of looks like Simba, he yells "cool" and it flashes, but I can't tell if anything actually happened.

05 - Geez, there is a whole assortment of items I'm finding, one extended my roar bar, and another one... not sure what it did, but it was multi-colored.

06 - Boss! I just defeated one of those hyenas from the movies! He went down in only two hits though. He would pounce at me and then become tired and start panting so I could jump on him. A short cutscene plays with Simba's dad, Mufasa saying, "everything the light touches, is our kingdom." Man, this guy has a big ego.
07 - Oh hey, a minigame. I'm controlling Pumbaa as Timon throws bugs down at me. Against all laws of gravity, some bugs fall really slow while others are quick. I end up eating 36 bugs.

08 - I am now in a level called either "Roar at the Monkeys" or "Can't Wait to be King." Probably the latter. There don't seem to be any enemies in this level, just rhinoceros that spring me into the air, monkeys that throw me around, and giraffes that I can use as temporary platforms.

10 - This is almost kind of a puzzle as I have to roar at the pink monkeys to get them to face a different direction so when they toss me I fly in the correct direction. After that sequence I land on an ostrich and it starts belting across the plains. I have to jump over pigs and duck bird nests, all of a sudden two arrows appear... and I die because I didn't jump high enough, or double jump or something. I only have one life left!
12 - Now I just fell in the water and die again. Crap, no lives left. Hardcore. I'm back on the ostrich now, I can "double jump" by jumping with the ostrich and then jumping again with Simba.

13 - You have got to be kidding me. I double jumped too high when I needed to and hit my head on a bird's nest. Lame. Wow, I used my only remaining continue.

14 - Back on the ostrich and I died on the first jump because I jumped too early. Now I fell in the water again.
15 - Fell in... again. Game Over. The old monkey with the balls hanging off his stick looks sad.

16 - Well, looks like I have to start all over again. I'll be back when I get past that ostrich sequence.

19 - Just "played" the bug toss. Timon screwed me over by tossing bugs at opposite ends. I caught one.

21 - Died on the double jump again.
22 - And again. Did anyone seriously playtest this game?

24 - Holy cow, I made it past the freaking ostrich part. What the heck, that pissed me off so much. How was I supposed to know you had to do your second jump really late. Who knows.

25 - This part seems almost worse. I have to swing around on these hippopotamus tails over some water. This is extremely unforgiving.

26 - Hey, a 1UP. That will come in handy. Meh. Now I have no idea where to jump to next! There are no more tails! And I can see that there is another ostrich sequence after this.
29 - Wow, I had to jump like straight up onto a hippo's head, that was clear. Not. I did collect some kind of sun item though, maybe that's a free continue.

30 - Another ostrich run, and this time I don't have arrows telling me what to do. Somehow I pulled off two double jumps in a row without dying.

31 - Another monkey tossing "puzzle."

33 - In one of gaming's most unclear moments ever, I had to get tossed from the first monkey puzzle to the second, flip a pink monkey switch, then cross back over the water on some water colored logs, then do the puzzle again. Why did the art team paint the logs the same color as the water?
34 - Wow, done with that and straight into the next level, "The Elephant Graveyard." Looks creepy. Good music though.

35 - Woah, something about fighting two hyenas at once seems unfair, but I do it with little health to spare. I just ate a bug that hurt me, seriously guys. Piss me off more.

38 - Now I've got two vultures swooping at me, I don't even know if I can hurt them.

39 - Simba has to out climb two gushing geysers as he claws his way to the top of a vertical tunnel.
41 - Now I'm just outrunning enemies as there's no point to stay and fight except to lose health. This is an unforgiving game. Simba was forced to just face off with three hyenas there though.

42 - As I finish the level we get a look at Scar, Simba's evil uncle. Another bug toss, another screw over served by Timon.

43 - Holy Mode 7 Graphics! Simba is running at the screen with a stampede behind him. I have to anticipate their patterns and speed dodging them. This could be really tough.

44 - Now there are rocks coming at me! So I've got wildebeest behind me and deadly rocks in front of me. Sucky life for Simba.
46 - Oh man, my heart is racing but I beat it. A short cutscene has Mufasa telling a hyena, "kill him." The next level is called "Simba's Exile."

47 - This level is laid out similar to the first level with the same basic enemies, but now there are rocks tumbling down on me too.

48 - Geez, I just got killed in an Indiana Jones style boulder rolling sequence. I seriously don't know how to even handle this part because I'm running from the boulder and there's a porcupine right in front of me and it doesn't look like I can jump.

50 - The moment you get hit by the boulder, you die. It seems you have to get hurt by the porcupine and during your invincibility run through him?
51 - Just tested that theory and it doesn't work. Hey, I just accidentally rolled through what appears to be a hidden passage that led me past that boulder. Odd. But now there's another boulder chasing me, and I die.

54 - Now I can't find that secret passage again. LAME.

57 - Who does this game think it is? How are kids supposed to play this? How is anyone supposed to play this? This part is literally impossible as far as I can tell.
58 - Maybe this boulder is the final boss?

59 - Does roaring at the boulder work? No. Woah, I made it through the rolling passage again. I guess there's this secret rolling technique that the game doesn't feel like explaining.

60 - My final challenge is an impossibly long jump over spikes. I wonder where I have to secretly roll this time? Good riddance to the first hour of The Lion King.

Now for some scores out of 10.
Story: 3
Being a movie based game, The Lion King relies heavily on familiarity with the film to drive the story. There was about 30 seconds of in-game story with everything else being delivered through the levels and their settings. A bad story score doesn't necessarily mean that the story is bad, and I'm actually kind of torn on whether or not I would have wanted more. Honestly, probably not. Most people playing The Lion King have seen the movie and know the basics: Simba is a light-hearted cub, his evil uncle kills his father and drives Simba out so that he can become king. There's more information than you'll get out of the game. Maybe the story is developed more later on, but I doubt it.

Graphics and Sound: 8
The Lion King honestly looks and sounds just like a Disney game should: just like the Disney movie. The music is midi versions of the original soundtrack and are well chosen for the levels I played. We have the carefree "Can't Wait to be King" playing over the enemy-less (but still incredibly hard) level of the same name, and the dark, bass driven Scar themes playing during the later stages I encountered. The sound effects work and there's even a little voice acting with some one-liners. The graphics really shine though, the levels are colorful and the sprites are really well detailed. The animation is superb, my only complaint is the Mode 7 stampede level. In my opinion, Mode 7 graphics were way overused on the Super Nintendo and The Lion King is no exception; the level simply feels out of place among the platformers and really doesn't look that good.

Gameplay: 4
The game may have had Disney artists to provide the sprites and animations, but The Lion King could have used some extra work on the gameplay. A lot of extra work. Pretty much everything I played in its first hour except for the first level was unbalanced, difficult, and dare I say, unfair. Some of the jumps necessary were insane, especially in the second level. It is really not easy to swing from hippopotamus tails to avoid death. The ostrich running sequence astounded me with how difficult and frustrating this could be. I kept thinking that this is supposed to be a kid's game but yet they're punishing me for not getting the timing down perfectly. Plus if you mess up, that's another ten giraffe heads you have to hop around on.

The stampede level didn't bother me too much, though the hit detection was rather poor. The real gameplay killer was the last level I played with the constantly falling boulders and the impossible boulder sequence. It still ticks me off and I've put the game away forever. The Lion King seems only suitable for incredibly patient, perfect memory ten year olds who will put up with have so few lives and even fewer continues. On the bright side, Simba did control pretty well when not jumping over water or being chased by boulders. It really could have been a lot worse and my distant memory of the game made me think it was.

Fun Factor: 3
I did have fun the first level, but after that I really didn't care for the game. The second level was deceptively difficult with the ostrich run and all the small platforms you had to hop around on. Basically this entire game was too hard for its own good and really ruined it for me. I just wanted to have fun and enjoy the levels and characters, but all I really could enjoy were the excellent animations. Disney games should be as fun as the movie they're made for, The Lion King fails at that.